Sometimes I go back and look through old comments and journals and re-read what I've written and what people write to me. It makes me realize how selfish and self-depreciating I am. I mean, all I seem to do is complain and then blame it on myself. I guess I have a hard time believing in myself, and feeling confident. I feel bad for even telling people I'm an artist sometimes, like once they see my stuff they'll be disappointed.
I've been stuck running in circles for 3 years now and I can't see a way out. No one at any decent job will give me a second glance because the only work I've done is as a cashier. I know that by the end of typing this I'll probably sit here staring at the screen with my cursor hovering over the 'post' button telling myself that no one wants to hear me whine, no one likes me enough to sift through this depressing mess of words. And even now I'm thinking "I know I'm only doing this for attention. Aren't I? I mean, these people can't give me a new job or pay my bills, and they certainly can't make me suddenly have confidence in myself." I know that what I need to do is just make art all the time every day, but when all of the people I love, even my parents have only "that's nice, dear" to say when I show them it gets kind of difficult. They fawn all over Jordan's photographs, but when I showed mom my piece with Link and Epona she had no comments, no compliments, no criticisms, no nothing. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom to death, but it's just not fair. She says I need to change myself and my style to fit what sells. Even if I wanted to change myself just for a job I would hate myself for it.
The happiest I've felt in a long time was at Naka Kon selling my stuff. Knowing that at least a few people appreciated what I do. I don't get that here. No one tells me what a good job I've done or compliments me on my skills. Even in every day life I don't get complimented, ever, or noticed, or thanked. It's always been this way. No one pays any attention to the fat, strange girl in the funny clothes, friends forget me, people ignore me. I've always felt like I'm a bother to people, that when I say anything about my problems of my feelings that I'm just drawing attention to myself, and that they would rather I just shut up and smile like I always do. Always smiling and laughing and taking everything in stride, If I just smile and act like nothing bothers me at all everyone will like me right?
What started out as self-centered nostalgia has turned into full-blown depression-fueled soul baring.
I think it's time for bed.
I hope I haven't taken up too much of your time.